Women Friendships

I read a devotional by Lisa Bevere about women in which the main idea was to question why we as a gender seem to rise against each other so much of the time. It has made me really look at my past and evaluate my attitude toward women and the experiences I have had. You can see her devotional at:

http://messengerinternational.org/blog/devotional/whats-wrong-women/

This thought started long before today. I think God began impressing on me the importance of having faithful women in my life several years ago when I first truly sought to make Jesus my life. I regrettably admit that I was one of those who was proud to have more guy friends than girl friends and for a long time toted the mantra that I just didn't get along with women. In reality this was just a cover up for the ineptitude I felt toward my inability to make solid relationships with women. Before I get into that though, I want to say I have had a handful of really close women friends and I want to make sure in writing this if they were to read it they know I am grateful for them and certainly do love them- from high school, college, early marriage, to now. But it does seem I have always struggled in this area of women friendships and I want to look at that struggle.

I think it began early in life when I first tasted rejection. I was way too skinny, I had huge coke bottle glasses and curly frizzy hair and I can recall the first day of kindergarten going in excitedly and then just being crushed! Kids made fun of me and I struggled even at this young age to make friends and I can remember feeling that first sting of rejection which I have held on to for way too long.

Life moved on and I went through several stages. Looking back I usually had at least one really good girl friend through each stage so I am thankful God provided me with these friends, but it seems there was usually a time of separation. I would have one really close friend for several years and then a falling out or drifting away, then another close friend for several years, then a falling out or drifting away, etc. And each time there was a falling out it truly hurt my heart and I really didn't know what to do with it or how to fix it. That's when I decided I would rather not be involved with girl friends. I was so lost in this area and highly insecure. I realized it must be something with me because everyone else seemed to have plenty of friends but I couldn't figure out what it was, so to shield my heart I decided to not try with women friends.

Then faith happened. I walked past the mirror one day and literally did not recognize myself. I was not who I had planned to be and I was far from the person I wanted to be and the person God called me to be. God put an urgency in my heart right then to change and I have been changing ever since.

So fast forward to now, my thoughts are much different than they used to be on many things, but certainly toward women. I have a few really close girl friends that I am so thankful for and I am open to friendships with women. Unlike before I guard my heart differently. Yes, I guard my heart but I'm striving not to be so guarded myself. To explain - Before I was guarded in that I was closed off and closed minded about who my friends would be and the minute a hurt set in I was out, I would run from the friendship. Now, over several years, I've started to realize that true friends will hurt you sometimes but that doesn't mean the friendship is over and it doesn't mean you have to hold on to the feelings of rejection. This may seem like a simple concept but it is one I am just embracing. In addition, I've realized that its ok to go through rough patches or even just periods of drifting from friends, this also does not mean the end of the friendship. I've learned to patiently wait for the relationship to circle back around, to pray over it, and sometimes to set it free. In setting it free we are still there for our friend but we give them the freedom to move on without resentment. This is hard and is something I am really trying to work on. And I have realized that sometimes if we are patient and if we are willing to let go, it is just a cycle as people and their circumstances change and sometimes that relationship returns even stronger.

I guard my heart by remembering to give grace, teaching my heart to not take offense so easily and to not take everything so personally. I realize that true friendship requires forgiveness and grace from both sides, and prayer! I realize I have hurt others too and as I would hope they would be kind to forgive me, so I also want to be kind to forgive them and not hold something against them but give them the benefit of the doubt and give them grace. I've learned to look for friendship in different places and not set such unrealistic expectations, especially in this stage of life when we are all so busy. I've learned to take my hurts to God and ask Him for healing and restoration for myself and the friendship.

Another issue that I am starting to overcome (with God's help) is being who I am and secure in who God has made me to be. I will admit I still struggle with worrying about what others think, but I have committed to becoming someone who will be who I am and not try to fit the mold of someone else's expectations. I have found that it confuses the other person when we try to be who they want us to be instead of ourself. It may seem we are serving them by trying to do what they expect or want, but in reality we are hurting the relationship by not being truthful about who we are. Being true to who we are brings so much freedom and so much peace. And we should give our friends this freedom as well. They shouldn't have to be under our expectations or do things the way we think they should for us to support and encourage them. And God has given us all so much that we can bring by being ourself.

There are women all around us who are faith filled and praying women. We are all in this together and can be a collective strong voice for Christ and strong shoulder for each other. And we shouldn't discredit someone just because of their past or because we haven't talked to them about faith, or because we aren't sure they have faith. We never know what someones faith may truly be and we all change. There are precious women of faith all around us, we don't have to run this race alone, and it will benefit us all to support and encourage each other and be open to friendships with the women God has put in our paths.